Coach’s Retreat
Alabama
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Kind of like two cows
standing in the field… milk
truck goes by…
homogenized, pasteurized,
Vitamin D and Iron
added… kind of makes you
feel inadequate!
Father forgive them… they
know not what they do!
Clock struck 13.. Wake up
it is later than you think!
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See if we can learn some things that are
practical in nature!
Lot of fantasies that I want to shake tonight!
Three for sure:
1. Cinderella has never lived in the castle
2. You are not going to be awakened by a
kiss of prince charming!
3. There is a beauty and the beast!
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No Quick Fixes… shortcuts…
Love is not a feeling… “Love is more than a
feeling. Love is an unconditional commitment
to an imperfect person. When we have this
attitude a new sense of realism enters the
marriage and makes growth possible… it is a
decision, it is a promise… I will not always
feel that I am in love… but I am committed to
it!
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His Needs, Her Needs:Harley
The Act of Marriage, by Lehaye
Love Languages: Smalley
Norman Wright: Communication
Tender Love : Hybels
Pillow Talk : Karen Linamen
Healthy Marriage are based on people who
have made up their minds to grow in Christlikeness and move away from selfcenteredness. In fact, the further you get
away from self service the stronger your
marriage becomes. Move away from selfcenteredness toward servanthood and I think
I can fix most any problem in marriage!
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Everybody needs a
healthy a marriage
and this open up at
least ways to do
that…
Not a fix for a
marriage that is in
need of counseling…
but it will help!
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Men’s :
Sexual Fulfillment
Recreational
companionship
An attractive spouse
Domestic support
Admiration
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Women’s:
Affection
Conversation
Honesty and openness
Financial support
Family commitment
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Priorities were out of
sort!
Communication was
not an effort
Time was poorly
managed
Edification was not
practiced
Intimacy was only
sexual
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Freedom
Autonomy
Empathy
Flexibility
Trust
Creativity
Intimacy
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Definition: “the union that
comes when two people learn
together how to give love and
how to accept love!”
It is the key to healthy
families healthy friendships,
and a healthy understanding of
ourselves.
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In order to get there you have to deal with two primary
questions…
Who am I?
Meaning my behavior style and my
nurture…
what did I bring to the
marriage ( family,
experiences)
Who are we?
◦ When we blend two of us what is the mix?
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Individualism - nice word for selfish
Lack of personal development - liking who you are !
Lack of understanding of the idea of a journey called
marriage
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I care more about me than I do
“us”
Pride that says I know all I
need to know…
I have little understanding
how my “I” affects the “you”
that I married
 Poor handle on who we are and how we are
different from our mate….
 Making no compensation for how we mesh or
fail to mesh with our mate!
 Making no attempt to pay attention to who they
are and adjusting to meet the needs!
This deal is a journey that happens
only if you decide to work at it…
Not an instant deal/ over night deal/
honey it’s always wonderful deal!
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Understanding your self
Understanding your mate
Investment of time
Flexibility
Listening as much as we
talk
Communication
Friendship
Trust – me with you
Conflict
Common Interest
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It is a science in the sense that it’s
observable and repeatable.
It is an art in the sense that we can
experience it and modify it.
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The same is true
for people.
Based upon what
you know about
them you
approach them
differently.
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Extroverted people
are fast paced.
Outgoing.
Introverted people
are slower-paced.
Reserved.
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Task
-----------------People
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Task oriented people enjoy
doing “things” like making
plans or working on
projects. (Hi-tech)
People oriented individuals
are into caring and sharing.
They like a lot of talking,
feeling, openness.
(Hi-touch)
TASK
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PEOPLE
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Strengths and tendencies
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Getting immediate results
Making quick decisions
Persistence
Solving problems
Taking charge
Self-reliance
Accepting challenges
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Insensitive to others
Impatient
Overlooks risks
Inflexible and unyielding
Taking on too much
Being too inattentive to details
Resenting restrictions
Being too demanding of others
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Strengths
/tendencies
Optimistic
Enthusiastic
Being personable
Make a good
impression
Verbally articulate
Entertaining climate
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Tendencies include:
Lack of follow through
Over-selling
Over-estimating results anticipated
Misjudges capabilities
Talks too much
Acts impulsively
Jumps to conclusions and over commits
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Strengths/tendency
Supportive
Agreeable
Loyal
Self-controlled
Consistent
Good listener
Perform to work patterns
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Resist change
Trouble meeting deadlines
Overly lenient
Procrastinate
Being indecisive
Holding a grudge
Overly possessive/no INITATIVE
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Strengths:
Orderly
Conscientiousness
Discipline
Preciseness
Thoroughness
Being diplomatic
Analytical
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Tendencies:
- indecisive
- gets bogged down in details
 Avoids controversy
 Low self esteem
 Hesitant to try new things
 Sensitive to criticism/pessimistic
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I think that there are
stages of marriage that we
all go through that
indicate a positive
motion.
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0-5: years growing and learning of
who we are and how the marriage
comes together. A lot of conflict
within and without.
Decisions about adjustment,
interdependence, establishing of
communication.
Key words: self identity / working
with partner to overcome
differences/ establishing goals /
building partnerships.
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Necessities that occur:
Dealing with physical aspect of
relationship
Sharing and openness must be
established
Daily adjustments occur
Financial development
Learning and adjusting to
personalities is expereinced
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5-10
years
discovery
relationships and base
interaction. Establishing of
limitations
of
giving
receiving…stretching
interdependence
of
of
the
and
of
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Key words: Self affirmation/ self
gratification/ sharing of self with
partner.
Necessities that occur.
Establishing of roles.
Give and take in each others
lives.
Long term direction of
marriage… retirement/family etc.
10-20 years career
established…patterns of living
intrenched …adjustments are
more difficult , communication is
more patterned and not as
flexible. Often if relationship is
not built this is the most difficult
period because we do not adjust
well by this time.
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Key words:
buidling of
trust/granting of space/ meeting of
needs
Necessities:
Honoring of each other
Establishing the pattern of
life
Communication must be
established
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20-30 years very dangerous if patterns of communication are not good.
Back to discovery of each other…either get to honeymoon pattern of
learning or serious trouble is present.
Key words: building of friendship/ clear roles of support for each other.
Necessities:
Many of the honeymoon necessities are back here.
Working on marriage is now the most serious.
Communication must be at its best state.
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I accept you as you are: I will not attempt to
make you something you are uncomfortable
with being!
I believe you are valuable: and I learn to
express that regularly!
I care when you hurt… I even notice!
I desire the best for you!
I erase all offenses… no score keeping!
Best way to illustarte
what it takes: My
favorite piece.
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Marriage on the Run!