Understanding Love Languages (How to express love so that others feel it emotionally) By Brent Hunter I. INTRODUCTION A. Without love we could not survive! B. Much confusion, especially in communicating love C.Three types 1. Romantic Love -a. Actually an emotional obsession that lasts about two years b. Not something we choose, just happens! 2. Love as an attitude -- “Agape” a. Act of the will. Divine Love b. We choose this kind of love 3. Love as an emotional need -a. What Titus 2:3-4 is about b. Need instruction to have wisdom and insight c. The concept of love languages is key to express love so the other party “feels it.” D. Thesis: 1. The Eight Love Languages 2. Principles how to use and u/s them 3. How to increase responsiveness I. EIGHT LOVE LANGUAGES--Simple yet profound insights A. Saying it with WORDS 1. Must be sincere and specific 2. Look for the good and build on it “Caught your children doing something right.” 3. Brag on good qualities of others in their presence 4. Stress the person behind the deed Ex. “Do you like the picture I painted?” “Yes I do. But not as much as the one who painted it.” B. Meeting Material Needs--GIFTS 1. Find out what the other person likes--not what you like 2. Needs to be thoughtful--not $$ 3. Esp. meaningful when the giver sacrifices something of value to himself/herself in order to provide for the need of the other 4. Bible examples of Gift giving b. Hannah’s coat- Samuel a. Joseph’s coat of colors C. Acts of Service I John 3:18 “Love not in word, but in deed.” 1. Doing for the other person-- things they would like to have done! 2. Some--show their love by doing things for people D. Spending QUALITY TIME Together 1. Giving “Undivided Attention” 2. Jesus and the Twelve & Peter, James and John 3. C.S. Lewis “No time spent with a child is ever wasted.” E. Physical TOUCH 1. Jesus and children-- Mk 10: 13-16 2. “Three hugs a day--keeps marriage counselor away.” The Value of Meaningful Touch. Touch blesses us by: Raising the hemoglobin level in our blood, thus increasing the body’s ability to heal itself and fight off disease. Lowers our blood pressure Increases our life span Gives us increased levels of energy/ enthusiasm. Makes us feel more positive about life and those with whom we interact. A UCLA study found that in order to maintain physical and emotional health, the average man or woman needs eight to ten meaningful touches a day. F. Being on the Same Side (TEAM) 1. Feeling Loyal to each other is important 2. Take the criticism pledge! 2. FAITHFULNESS 3. PROTECTION a. Allies protect each other when they are attacked. We should do the same b. You feel loved when someone comes to your aid and defends you from someone else! G. BRINGING OUT THE BEST 1. “A fulfilled marriage can come only when each partner grows because of the union instead of slowly and surely squelched by it.” 2. INSECURITY AND SELFISHNESSrepresses this language’s potential. a. One party is threatened by the other’s success and resents it. b. One party is so consumed with their own interests and career that they leave no room to show interest and concern for the other parties interest. 3. How can you express you want the other person to grow and be the best they can be? a. Through praise and encouragement b. Prayer for each other’s growth H. Meeting EMOTIONAL NEEDS 1. Must not project and assume what we need is the same for others 2. Based on childhood and background--70% time different 3. Must listen so to understand 4. Need to let the drawbridge down! It enables two people to have some walls up for protection, yet trust another person to enter into the very core and center of each other’s being 5. Do you know what the other person needs most from you? II. PRINCIPLES OF COMMUNICATION A. Remember it is FILTERED (See chart) 1. We all , by nature, tend to speak our own language(s) and filter out others. 2. What we all think we are communication may not be interpreted that way by the other party. This can cause great hurt and frustration if we don’t realize what is going on! B. Learn to speak your spouse’s language 1. Play the “Tank Check” Game a. On a scale of 1 - 10, with 10 being full and 1 being almost empty, how is your emotional tank? b. Ask your mate periodically. How is your tank? c. If the answer is anything less than 9 10, ask, “How can I help fill it?” 2. Emotional Warmth can be reborn! You can fall in love again! C. The Key is to Find the Primary Language 1. What is the first thing you do when you want to express love? 2. Probably what you want others to do for you! 3. If we don’t learn to speak the primary language, the others won’t be heard. After the primary language is spoken, the others are heard loud and clear. D. Do not abuse the primary language 1. That is the place where your mate is most vulnerable. 2. Build a shrine around it and make sure you don’t “slip” in the area that enters into the core and center of their soul. III. HOW TO INCREASE RESPONSIVENESS A. Eliminate the Negative This is the more important than positively communicating love! B. Reinforce the desired language with praise. C. Clear up offenses1. This is especially important for women 2. If offenses have not been cleared up, the couple can’t be and feel close. 3. This will ultimately will affect the physical relationship. Most of the time, sexual problems are not about sex, but the relationship! D. Be patient-takes time for drawbridges to be lowered! Conclusion: A. Learn this insight and apply it to all of your relationships! B. If you want further information I would recommend the reading of: 1. HOW DO YOU SAY, “I LOVE YOU?” by Judson J. Swihart. InterVarsity Press, Downers Grove, Illinois 60515 2. THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES by Dr. Chapman C. Both can be ordered from the Florida College Bookstore (1-800-423-1653 USA or 1-800-922-2390 Florida).